post22. inner pain to inner healing to inner strength

Developing a “tough skin” isn’t the answer. Jesus didn’t have a “tough skin”. He had a strong heart, the strongest heart. 

I can’t accept that all of the things that were to hurt Jesus’ heart just simply deflected off of Him. Spiritual pain….it’s such a deep, empty, yet so full kind of a pain. Be it loneliness, disappointment, or what have you… it really hurts

But in all things, He humbled Himself and served because He LOVED. And He had a strong heart, the strongest heart, as to incessantly and unrelentingly LOVE those He was called to love. 

I really felt like for the longest time, either I had to be a pile of mush or a rough skinned shark. I had no choice. But now, I’m starting to see that the training of our spirit really is a training of the now-flesh heart. Through the tears (x2) and breaks of exercising my salvation, comes healing, and then finally, comes strength.

A strong heart doesn’t allow you to simply be pulped into a bigger, sloppier mess by the pains; a strong heart doesn’t allow you to simply “not care” about the pain, as “tough skinned” people would do - no. A strong heart allows you to feel what is meant to be felt from the pain in a heart of flesh, but is trained to persevere so that we may LOVE as He loved. 


post21. my story, my mystery, my secret?

What if you were shipwrecked and you and one other person all of a sudden were stranded on an uninhabited island?

Three days later, you were both found and came back home.

I feel like everyone would hound you and ask you, “WHAT DID YOU SEE?! HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?! TELL ME YOUR STORY!!

But, is everyone entitled to my story? To the story I share in some sense with only one other person? What if I wanted to keep it mine or ours? Is that selfish of me? 

Because sometimes I don’t want to share things that happen between me and my best friend, the Holy Spirit. I want to keep it intimate. I want to keep it a secret. I want to keep it as our story. 





dont run away. dont run away. dont run away.



post19. i have to start writing again

i must.


post18. frustration

how are you born? who are your parents? 


post17. freedom requires a destination

Something my Hebrew Bible professor said in class really stuck with me and has produced so much joy in my heart.

He argued that when God brought the Israelites out of Egypt, His message was not simple human liberation. God is always reconciling to Himself. The wall of the Pharaoh was hindering the capacity of His chosen people to serve Him and Him alone. “You are free, to serve me" was one of the central messages of the Exile. 

To me, I see this in the Gospel. I see that the message also includes a similar point in that we are free from the bondage of Sin, which allows us to freely serve God

I’m still processing all of this, but track with me while I process:

Thinking if I was an Israelite just freed from the bondage of slavery to Pharaoh, I would be jumping up with joy and gladness. But freedom needs a destination. Being free for the sake of being free is pointless - freedom is always bound to something. Freedom’s destination thus invokes obedience. It’s a weird paradox, but it makes sense. 

Example: if I am free to do whatever pleases me, my destination is myself. Thus if my destination is myself, I will use that freedom to obey myself. 

Yet, in our case, our freedom must be bound to Jesus. I can imagine myself being and Israelite saying, “AHHH IM FREE!!!! ………uhh… now what?”. I think the Israelites had a destination and their freedom allowed them to go for the promised land. But their disobedience hindered them because they re-attached their freedom and thus their obedience to different destinations. Yet, imagine the joy if they obeyed: each day they knew they were one day closer to the promised land. 

I believe Jesus is the destination. And Jesus sits in heaven at the right hand of God. Jesus is the hope of heaven. The promise of heaven is hopeless and pointless without the promise of Jesus Himself. Everyday, there is a joy in knowing that obeying the Lord brings heaven closer and closer.

this is so interesting. i think i’ll revisit later and add on. 


post18. emotional submission

is one of the craziest things I’ve learned this year. 

But man. It is so good.

The Lord is not unjust. He sees. He honors. 

Soli Deo Gloria. 


post17. they get what we often don’t get here.

when someone or a group of people become important to you, you make room in your schedule for them. you desire to spend time with then and you actually go out of your way to spend time with them. and this spending time… it’s just the means to an end. you don’t just ever do the spending of time simply for the sake of spending time, but the sake of getting closer with them. you fight, in terms of sacrificing time with others or yourself and protecting time for them. you fight for intimacy. true, our world has a certain inclination towards the word intimacy, but in its truest sense, it simply means a close familiarity, a deep closeness. 

i think i’m starting to understand what it means to fight for love. that, there is no status quo of love to fight to - only greater increases of love to fight for. 

this is all word vomit for saying, i used to hate myself for not reading the Bible and not praying and not doing a, b, c, d. then i used to just get sad for not reading, praying, doing, etc. but now, it just befuddles me. not that I’m taking it lightly or that this is something that’s , but now I kinda get the stupidity of it all.

God loves me.

I love God. 

Of Course, I fight to pray. 

Of Course, I fight to read.

Of Course, I fight to stay close to Him.

Why are you asking me no-brainers?

Here in freedom of religion land, I’m free to do all of this. But I think so often lately about the persecuted churches and all those thousands who are forced to pray like Hannah. They must fight to pray, read, worship. It’s just how it is. 

But what is ubiquitous for them, is anything but for us. We who live in supposed freedom cry over their lack of freedoms, yet aren’t they the ones living in the clarity of the greatest freedom. And further yet, isn’t their freedom our freedom if we all claim we find ourselves in Christ? 

They get what we often don’t get here. Hmm. That statement works on so many levels. 

Sometimes, it’s just that simple. 


post16. this generation is

caught up in the “do”

before we are caught up in the “pray”.

Tags: helpus

post15. five shorts

1. Someone told me recently that one of my brothers holds me in high regard. That he respects me a lot. I was offended. I asked God why, and He said, just calm down and take it as they hold Me that is inside of you in high regard. There was peace.

2. I love my brother. Love isnt considered complete when both sides love each other. Love is complete even when one side just loves. Jesus still loved me and died for me while I still hated Him. Instead, it is joy that is made complete in love. I pray joy is made complete with him.

3. Theology is a useless and foolish exercise unless its Truth pulls down from my mind, into a conviction of the heart, into a revelation of the Holy Spirit that makes me love Him more through worship. I worship the God of revelation not the God of my imagination.

4. Heidi Baker gets childlike faith. Oh how I desire to be childlike in faith.

5. A life of a Christian is not marked or measured by anything else but the fruit of love.